Whiteboard Message

Walking through the Enterprise floors I happened upon a whiteboard with these four sentenances written on it:

Lost in space
Surrounded by evil
Out of gas
Brain cells dead

Some days are just like that.

...dave
I mix up my own water. Two parts H, one part O. I don't trust anybody! -Steven Wright

A brush with eggs

Can you tell that there are painters in my house?

Ruth likes to wrap her brush in plastic so that she doesn't have to clean it each time. I'm not sure why she puts it into the fridge.

...dave
Half the people you know are below average.

It could be worse

This week hasn't gone so well for us. We had a few accidents. Nothing real serious. Just a totaled Honda Odyssey and towed Camry XLE. One Ruth's, one mine.

But the accident that I had proves one thing at least. It could be worse.

I was going my merry way when blam, out of nowhere, there was a car on my left. I was hit so hard that my car rammed the curb. The front left wheel was bent in and it was impossible to drive. In fact, I couldn't even get out of the car. The driver's door wouldn't open. I sat there dazed. I stared straight ahead, disbelieving what had just happened. I was thinking, first Ruth's car, now mine, and within a week of each other. We aren't having a good week.

I slowly took off my sun glasses and placed them in the holder above the rear view mirror. I turned off my Chinese language CD, turned off the motor, and sat. The guy who hit me was asking if I was alright. He was talking through the driver's window, but I didn't answer right away. I couldn't believe that I've only had the car for a month, and now this.

Finally I got out. Partly dazed, partly depressed. There's been so much happening with our house and car that it was just too much to contemplate. The traffic was backing up, it was rush hour. How did this happen?

He had pulled over into a driveway. He was driving his wife's Mercedes 280. She had just got it back from the garage because she had been in accident. We called the police. They quickly responded -- in 45 minutes. We exchanged information.

The police officer finally came, gathered all the information and returned our licenses and registration. As the officer finished the paperwork the man hung up his phone and putting on a strong face said: "I just found out my mother just died."

The officer said: "I'm sorry, I don't mean to add to your misery but here's a citation. You can appear in court at this date or pay the fine."

Yeah, it could have been worse for me. It certainly was for him.

...dave
I parked my car in a tow-away zone and when I got back the entire area was gone. -- Steven Wright

Metaphores Rule

Just came back from a meeting. I'm having a cup of Joe. (Cup of Joe? Where did that come from?) I'm going over my notes. We techs use a lot of metaphores.

And you know what? Metaphores rule. Well, of course they really don't rule in the literal sense of "exercising authority or control over others" but they really rock. Well, not in the sense...never mind.

Metaphors create such vivid pictures that I can't help but see the image and "get it" mentally. In the Enterprise some of my associates are awesome at weaving metaphores throughout their sentenances. The other day one of my Enterprise buddies used them to illustrate the work-world madness. He had me in stitches. (Metaphorically: I split my sides laughing and had to get sutured).

Here are some of the latest I've collected in the past few weeks:

"We'll fix that in the next turn of the crank." The fix is iterative. In other words, this "turn of the crank" is not the final solution but just a single spin in the start process. Next time, the next turn of the crank, well add more stuff.

"I wasn't invited to the party." I'm not "in the know." I'm not with the "IN" crowd. I wasn't invited to the meetings. Any or all of these are meant by 'not invited to the party.'

"It's in the product family and it will be retired soon." Why do we software engineers refer to a software product as "family" when it's just bits and bytes on a spinning platter in some harddrive? But of course, if it's part of the family then we wouldn't "kill it" we'd "retire it." It's more humane that way. I've always wondered where retiring software goes? Does it sort of sit on the harddrive spindle and watch other software do work?

"I don't have the bandwidth now so ping me later." This is gearhead speech for "I'm too busy, get back to me." Bandwidth is how much data you can concurrently handle. If you are on overload, you can't handle any more stuff and the person will need to ask later. Or "ping" you in tech-speech. Pinging refers to what computers do before sending data. They send a small packet of information and see if they get a response from the target computer. In WWII, submarines used to send out a ping to detect another sub. The density of the returning signal could tell them if one was present. If so, they'd fire. Only this "pinging" is a friendly ping. No firing.

"That's a project big rock." This means that it's a major issue that has to be dealt with. Often used with reference to something that has to be removed before real progress can be made.

"I was thrown under the bus." Someone blamed you for the problem. They "stuck it to you." Often said just after a big meeting wherein the thrower blamed the throwee for the problem. It's an unpleasant experience. You can also "get thrown under the bus" without even knowing it. If you weren't at the meeting someone could still place the blame on you.

"Don't leave any cat tails swatting. Burry them or cut them off." Finish the job. Don't do it halfway. Could also refer to retiring software (see above) that wasn't retired, destroyed, or yanked from the production machines.

"He wears a tinfoil hat." He's paranoid. Someone who wears tinfoil on their heads believes that everyone is out to get them. The hats date back to a collection of geeks (before it was cool to be a geek) who wanted to protect themselves from mind readers, usually the government or aliens. Tinfoil was thought to prevent this.

"You're just squeezing the balloon." You're just masking a problem. This means that your solution is just transferring the problem to somewhere else. Just as pressing a sealed balloon at one end will cause the air to expand at the other, your proposed solution only causes another problem somewhere else.

Use more metaphores.

...dave
My parents bought me a sandbox. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child, eventually. -Stephen Wright

Brain Tuning

It's been said that if you expose your children to Mozart's music when young they will become geniuses. It has something to do with their brain synapses and cognitive learning. If I was ever exposed to Mozart when young, which I doubt, it didn't do anything for me. If my synapses were connected before, they've snapped now.

But it's never too late to learn. Right?

So I picked up a Tune Your Brain CD from, well, where else? -- Borders. But you can also get it here from Amazon online.

Has it helped? I know you're wondering. I am too. I don't know. I feel smarter. I think I look smarter. Does that count?

The CD is divided into three sections: IQ BUSTERS, CONCENTRATION and THINK FAST. Several Mozart selections are provided for each. The idea is to play the sections appropriate for the tasks at hand. If you are reading or trying to learn something, play the CONCENTRATION selections. If you are doing several tasks at your desk such as phone, email, and writing, then you're to listen to the THINK FAST selections. The IQ BUSTERS are supposed to boost your thinking ability. They are provided as little "limbering" exercises before the hard stuff.

I don't know. I played the Sonata for Piano and Violin in B flat major (K. 454). That was in the THINK FAST section. It made me type faster. But I did make a few mistakes. Does that count?

Maybe this is just a gimmick. Maybe it's just a way to part a fool with his money. It worked on me. Those marketing people are really smart. They probably listened to Mozart when they were young.

Chumps.

...dave
What a fool does in the end, the wise do in the beginning. -Spanish Proverb

Insanity Reigns

I know you must be tired of hearing all my work related stories but I have to tell you this one. Just one more, I promise.

(In the event you haven't been reading any of this, you can click on the label below marked "work" and view the latest craziness at the Enterprise. By the way, "Enterprise" in my definition is, corporate America. I have a desk job and I know how to use it.)

Anyway, I'm talking to my boss at our weekly coffee meeting first thing in the morning. We have an exchange. I tell him what the grunts are doing and he tells me what the "Steering Committees" are up to. Wait a minute, I just realized how many of these Enterprise terms I'm using. I'll provide a glossary below.

So, where was I? Oh yeah, so he says: "I showed one of the Steering Committee members the hardware estimate. It's 1 million 85 thousand dollars. But she says to me: 'No, I believe it'll be 1.8 million and I want you to find out why!'"

What? Am I hearing this right? We give her the cost estimate we've received from the folks that know this stuff and she says she thinks it's another number, about double? And now she tells us to go figure out why she thinks it's double? What is this 20 questions? Am I hearing this right? Is this a joke, a dream, a crazy house? Someone pinch me so I can wake up.

I told my boss: "Well, she came up with the number, let her tell us why."

He just shook his head knowingly.

I'm in an insane asylum and the inmates are running it!

Dave's Brief Glossary

Enterprise: corporate America

grunt: someone low on the corporate latter (not on a Steering Committee see below) that never gets the credit but does all the work

Steering Committee: a group of Enterprise executives that second guess every decision the grunts make

...dave
I had amnesia once or twice. -- Steven Wright

Bad Design

Bad design just drives me crazy.

I don't mind "maturing concepts," you know, obvious incremental changes in a thing until it becomes viable or usable.

What drives me crazy is stuff that is sold as a complete solution but obviously didn't get any more thought than napkin sketch after a few beers at a bar.

Like, for example, my cube coat hanger. This is a heavy piece of metal in the shape of well, a coat hanger, except the top is bent sideways. The design is to hang the garment on the thing and hang the metal hanger on the cube's top edge. Sounds like it would work, right?

But it doesn't. First of all, the cube walls are slightly rounded at the top. The rubber strip that is wrapped at the top of the hanger is supposed to grip the top of the cube wall. But if you put something heavier than say, a cotton T-shirt, the non-gripping rubber slides right off the wall, dumping my garment on the floor.

Now, I usually put my coat on the hanger. It's a bit heaver than a t-shirt. And I also put my trash can just outside my cube, unfortunately just below the hanger. Today my jacket and hanger slid off the top edge of my cube and ended up in the trash. Just on top of my unfinished breakfast. What a mess.

...dave
Why kick the man downstream who can't put the parts together because the parts really weren't designed properly. -Philip Caldwell

Personal Review

I hate personnel reviews, especially my own. It's always so disconcerting to me. Nebulous requirements, subjective assessments, and secret qualifications. Is this what corporate personal reviews are all about? Who really knows? It's all so strange.

In our Enterprise we have several categories and various ratings. Ratings from exceptional to "needs improvement." Trouble is, no one knows how to use them. My boss told me that the Human Resource Department will not allow him to show me the codes and ratings. So I'm to be assessed on secret codes? Cool. Secret codes and secret societies. Wow.

So he says: "Think you could do my job?"

"Yeah, sure. I was doing your job before they hired you. I suppose I could do it now."

"Yeah, I guess you were."

"Will you put this job first?"

"Huh? First before what? What are you talking about?"

"Well," he said to me "before I got married I told my wife that if I had to choose between her or my job, she would loose. She was fine for the first year or so but then...she left. So, what about you?"

"Ah, no, that wouldn't be me. I've been married for 26 years and I plan to be married for another 26 years -- to the same woman. 'Cause, I kind of like her you know. You see, the reason I'm working is to support my family, not replace them. No, unlike you my family is first and my job is second. That's worked out for me my entire career these 22 years. I see no reason why it shouldn't for the future."

This reminds me of the time I worked for a pre-IPO. My boss at the time told me that if I just worked 80 hours a week for the next two years I'd be a millionare. So I said:

"Who will I cuddle up to at the end of the two years after my wife has left me? My money?"

He wasn't too happy with me. I worked hard but not 80 hours a week worth.

When 9/11 hit he was the first one to be laid off. The company never went public and I moved on.

...dave
Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not; but remember that what you now have was once among the things you only hoped for. -Epicurus

Lables added

A new feature of Blogger is Labels. Each post will have one or more labels. If you want to see more blogs in that category, just clik on the word. Blogger will list all the blogs that I've done with that label.

For example, if you like the sketch blogs, just click on sketch keyword and Bloger will list all the blogged sketches I've done here.

Very cool.

...dave
When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms. I said, "Well, what do you need?" -Steven Wright

House update

We've been working at the house these past several weeks. Eric is doing a mural on his wall. He's removed the stomps on his ceiling. Those are the wall mud impressions from a brush stamped on the ceiling. They are evidence of an old house. It's one of the first things we have removed.

There's lots of other stuff going on. Small things, like removing walls and building new ones. We are improving step by step.

Here's a picture in Eric's room. He's doing a few murals. This is one of an astronaut. The room is just the way he likes it he tells me.

Items I've completed:
Basement toilet, sink, cabinets, light, fan/light, switches, tile.

Items the subs have yet to complete:
Sheetrock, lights, plumbing, kitchen cabinets, bath tile, bath cabinets.

I'm acting as my own General Contractor.

There is so much stuff to get done that it makes me tired just thinking about it.

You can check here for more details.

...dave
"We become what we repeatedly do. Excellence then, is NOT an act but a habit!" - Aristotle

When the saints go marching...

In an effort to recognize outstanding workers, the Enterprise has adapted their own version of a rewards program. Most people, if you ask them, will tell you that a generous bonus is the greatest reward a company can give. It's because, after all, if the employee is THAT valuable, they must be saving big dollars for their company. It's just an act of generosity to spread the wealth around.

However current trends in incentive reward programs say that employees don't want money. They want recognition. So the Enterprise has adopted a recognition program called, get this, "Pillars of Excellence."

It works like this: You do something great, someone writes a short discription about you, judges review all the entries for the month, they pick 2 or 3 people to present "The Pillar" to.

The Pillar is a two-and-a-half foot high lucite trophy-like monstrosity that you put in your small cube. One of the employees wired his with lights and a switch so that the pillars glow in the dark. While the Enterprise liked his inovation, they were not too pleased that one of their pillars was different than the other three. But that's a story for another post.

Anyway, the day they present the pillar to you is the day you fear. You see, the pillar comes with a marching band. That's right, you can hear the band playing in the elevator as it moves up through the floors. When the elevator bings at the floor destination, people scatter like roaches from a light. People dive for stairwells and bathroom stalls. Seriously. I've actually seen this. I've done it myself. Once I jumped into the stairwell only to discover three other people beat me to it.

Anyway, the band plays When The Saints Go Marching In which, as I've already stated, is when the people go marching out. The marching band uses a bullhorn to announce the the pillar and usually threads through the floor before marching in place at the poor receiver's cube. They read off the card that tells what the person did then make them say some words and lead the group in a cheer. Finally they'll give the victim a gift card to a restaurant that he or she doesn't really want to go to, they cut some cake and march off. Oh, and the marching song as they leave is the theme from the cartoon Looney Tunes. Seems appropriate.

Well, it could be worse. They could have kept the old recognition program. It was called The Superhero Awards. The "superhero" got a movie ticket and a Superhero doll. One of the folks down the cube lane from me got a Green Hulk doll. Now THAT was a quality item.

...dave
When we remember that we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained. -Mark Twain (1835-1910)